On Moving On

So, I got back from college about two weeks ago and I've been working on unpacking (I know, I know. Two weeks and I haven't unpacked yet? I'm a horrible person). Anyway, the reason why I haven't finished unpacking yet will be covered in this post. My problem is that I have to go through all my stuff that I left here; some of it necessary, like clothes, and some of it unnecessary, like junk, or, as I like to call it, memories. Now, all I really want to do is throw away all my old stuff without going through it or thinking about it. I have no desire to keep any of it. The only things I have that I really want to keep are my books, (of course!) music, and clothes. I don't want all the stuff that I will never, ever use again. I am having a very hard time actually working through this because I know that as soon as I get rid of everything (literally, everything) or at least as much as I possibly can my room will be empty. I don't want it to be empty, but I don't want all the crap I have. This is a very unfortunate predicament. I don't want most of the stuff I have, but it feels like such a waste to throw it all out. I don't plan on using it ever again, but most of it is stuff that I rarely used, and as such is in excellent condition. Basically, I have too many problems with guilt to just throw it all away without having any conscience problems. Also, I don't really want my room to be empty.

I think the biggest thing is that I've moved on. I don't want to get rid of all the memories, but I don't want to keep them, either. Everything has something tied to it. However, all I really need is to get rid of everything, and I probably will feel a lot better after I do. Anyway, I'm sitting on my bedroom floor since my bed is covered with clothes, and my foot seems to have fallen asleep, so I'm just going to wrap things up. When I next post my room should be completely clean and not-too-empty. You can only hope, right? =P

On Doing Your Best and Other Extreme Thoughts

I'm currently swimming at Conference, which is basically the biggest swim meet of the year. I just finished my first individual race. Now normally, my mottos are "Do your best" and "Take everything one day at a time." I have been incredibly excited for this meet for a long time, but when I finally got in the water, I choked. OK, I didn't actually choke, per-se, but about halfway through my race I let myself get in my own head. I never have the problem of letting other people get in my head. I suppose that sounds a bit strange, but it's true. Nothing anyone else says or does can affect my swimming. Out of all the events I have swum in the last few months, I can honestly say that this time I did not do my best. This wasn't on purpose, but subconsciously that was what happened. Sure, I dropped time, and that's great. Whatever. But I did not do my best and that makes me upset with myself. I have other chances to swim this race again and do better, but I should have been able to do my best the first time. Sometimes your best doesn't feel like it's good enough, but if it's truly your best, it should be.

After I finished, I started to think. I kept trying to apply mottos or catchphrases I had heard before to what happened and how I felt about it, just to shake the whole thing off. Then I realized something: I shouldn't be applying something else to my situation, I should come up with something on my own. After all, my problem isn't external, it's internal.

I also have a problem with low self-esteem. I was trying to figure out the reason for this, especially when it comes to swimming. There are two different reasons for this: one for swimming, and a normal one. The swimming one is easier to admit: I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what my body can do and what that means for me. Don't ask me why: my subconscious is stupid (see prior post) and I haven't been able to figure that answer out yet. The other reason is something that I haven't entirely figured out yet, either. At first I thought it was just because I feel inadequate to other people, but I realized that's not it. Sure, that's what I tell myself, but that is definitely not the reason. Until I finished typing this, I didn't actually know the reason, but it's also fear.  I don't have a fear of anything tangible, like spiders or snakes. They don't bother me. I don't have a fear of heights, or public speaking, or even dying. I have always thought my biggest fear was that at some point in my life I won't have any friends, but that's not it, either. I thought it was that I'm afraid to be myself, but that's only part of it. I honestly don't know what it is, butI have time to figure it out. I really do hate my subconscious right now, though.

I want to leave off with this: you can do more than you think you can. Don't let anyone else define your life and what you can and can't do.