Need I Even Title It?

                   You Are Not Alone

If I believed in wishes, I'd wish things were different.
I'd take your pain, your worries, and your problems, and I would fix them.
You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and some days you think you'll break.
But you are stronger than anyone realizes, including you.

Fixing others' problems is not a solution to ignoring your own.
You will never be enough for someone else until you are enough for yourself.
How do I know that? I've been down this road before.
It's a lonely road, one that seems to echo with every mistake you make.
Every twist brings some fresh horror, while every turn relives old nightmares.

We all have our demons, and mine looked like me.
You can't run forever; you can't hide forever.
You have to face this. And there is no one who can fight your fears but you.
The demons you face are yours alone.

But you are not alone. You certainly don't have to be.
You don't have to be an island; you are not an army of one.
Even Superman needed help sometimes.
Trust isn't always misplaced; actions speak to that.

There will always be fires to put out. It's important to know which ones are worth fighting.
You are enough. One day, I hope you'll believe it.




(Untitled...)

I opened my heart
But I'm left with a gaping wound
I shared my mind
But now my knowledge is gone
I showed too much of my soul
Now there's nothing left but scraps

I loved too much
I gave too much
I'm left with too little

I broke myself to save my friends
And there's no one left to save me
I never understood how drowning could make you able to breathe again
But now I do
Rain can wash away mistakes
And somehow help the pain

I came
I saw
I loved

It wasn't enough
You took the pieces you loved
And left the rest
And now I'm standing alone
With nothing to show
Except the picture of the girl I used to be

More Poems

So for today, I thought I'd throw out a couple poems. Neither of which are going to be happy, but c'est la vie. The first is one of my favorite things I have ever written, which, given that I wrote it over two years ago and there are plenty of other things I wrote over two years ago that I do not like, says a lot. The second was something I wrote that essentially was a re-visit to one of my friend's death. So definitely not happy stuff today. But as a writer, they are both pieces I am incredibly proud of, so there you go. You have been warned. (And as always, comments and constructive criticism are welcome.)

Shattered Reflection

Your life is like a fantasy

To everyone but you

You sparkle and shine in front of a crowd

But on your own, the façade you’ve concocted shatters

You disintegrate like glass

And if I prick myself on your edges, I bleed

Red mixing with the transparency of crystal

You bear scars—but no one sees them

How can you show off something you regret?

You’re the opposite of me—

how can I forget?

When we are mirrored, my flaws are emphasized

But you don’t see them

You only see beauty

And I don’t understand.

Because all I see is my own pain, my own scars

Reflected in you

And you are not broken,

But I think I am.

Bullet Holes

Sinking feeling, something’s wrong

Something happened

What happened

Body’s numb

Panicked feeling

One phone call is all it takes to change everything

One phone call is all it took to change everything

He’s gone

Long gone, red gone, dead gone

Friend gone

Can’t be gone cause I’m still here

Can’t breathe

Can’t think

Can’t cry

Already crying, not breathing

Nauseated feeling

He shot himself

Bullet in the head

Bullet in my heart

Roommate found him

Bloody mess

Feel bad for the roommate

But the roommate’s not dead

Dead

Dead

Long gone, red gone, dead gone

Friend gone

Can’t be

I knew

Should have known

Didn’t know, couldn’t know

My fault my fault my fault

I knew

Didn’t know, couldn’t know

It had been over a year since that last time

Six months since I’d seen him

Can’t breathe

Body numb, tingling

Sinking feeling

Nauseated

Crying

Have to stop crying

Can’t stop crying

Shaking, body shaking

Band-Aids can’t fix the bullet hole

Bullet hole in my heart

No one cares he’s gone

Life keeps moving world keeps spinning

People say it’s selfish

He is never selfish

He was never selfish

Gone

Long gone, red gone, dead gone

Friend gone

Best friend

Miss him

Bullet in my heart

To Coach-To Elyce

My college swim coach retired this spring, and I was asked (along with all the other swimmers) to write a letter for her. So I did. And this is what I wrote.

To Coach-To Elyce

You led two lives

You had two selves

One to train us, push us to our limits

The other to pick us up when we fell.

The first came with the territory—

A good Coach is nothing without moxie.

The second was instinctive—

To have our backs when things went wrong.

To challenge, exact, and motivate:

The demands of a Coach.

To inspire, encourage, and invigorate:

The attributes of a great one.

Coach, you helped me do things I never thought possible.

I was proud of myself—I was strong.

Elyce, you helped me focus and step back from life's obstacles,

And I always felt like I belonged.

Swimming has made me stronger:

A stronger person in so many ways.

But Coach, you've made me better,

And that has made all the difference.

And Coach, Elyce:

You wore two different hats with pride,

You took two jobs and made them one.

You took it all in stride.

And here, now that your time is done,

I want to thank you for everything,

Every push, every practice, every pull-up,

every race, every hug, every talk, every tear, and every lending ear.

Because you have made all the difference.

With all my love,

Lindsey Wilson

Here's to Us

So I wanted to post something different from what I posted yesterday, something on the happier side of the emotional spectrum. So here it is. I wrote this earlier this year, for a friend who I miss very much. (And as before, constructive criticism is welcome.)

Here’s to Us

If I could sum you up in just one sentence

It would be “do no harm, but take no shit,”

Which might not seem that pleasant,

But to me, it meant everything.

You are one of the strongest people I have ever known.

I am proud to have once called you my best friend.

Because you always had my back.

And I tried to have yours.

You made me laugh. All the time.

I never laugh enough anymore.

You brought me out of my shell

In the best possible way

But you never faulted me for my walls.

I know that’s exactly how a best friend should be

So it probably doesn’t seem that influential

But I haven’t had many friends like you—

Ones who accept me with all my faults and flaws.

But you always did.

And that meant the world to me.

I always admired your fearlessness.

You had this power that you never fully realized—

People loved being around you, they were drawn to you.

It was like being around you would somehow help your courage rub off on them.

Your laugh is infectious, your smile contagious.

Ugh, that sounds so cheesy.

But it’s true. My life was better when you were in it.

Friendship is more important than any guy will ever be.

I miss our random dance parties.

Which were really getting ready parties,

Disguised by your mad dancing skills.

Good times.

This feels more like a memoir to us,

Rather than a lament to the past.

We were an unstoppable force,

Until we hit an immovable object.

But this is not an elegy.

This is an ode.

So here’s to us.

Here’s to staying up late,

To talking all day,

To art projects, and longboard sessions.

To walks, blankets, late night food runs,

To crazy trips, three cheese na-chos and cheese qwesadillias.

To my best friend who was never afraid to say what was on her mind,

And to the girls who were never afraid to take on the world—

No one could stop us if they tried.

Poems and Stuff...

I thought I'd try something new out. As it has been a very long time since I posted a thing. Clearly. But I am actually writing all the time, and I've been writing a lot of poetry, among other things. So I'm going to try posting some of my poems now and then. Some of them will be new, some old, and I may or may not throw out when I wrote them as well. It will be lots of varying subject matter, and I am definitely open to feedback, by which I mean constructive criticism. Feel free to tell me what you liked and what you didn't, but please do so in a manner that gives me suggestions on how to fix things or why they didn't work. (If you tell me you don't like an entire poem, that isn't going to be constructive, or helpful.) But I do love helpful feedback! Anyway, poems. Yay. Testing, 1, 2, 3. Today's post will include two poems for perusing, one that I wrote a couple months ago and one I wrote last year, in no particular order. Comments and feedback much appreciated.



 (Untitled)

Some days, the bad days, I feel weak

Insignificant

Like there is too much of me to contain in such a small space

Because, of course, I do not deserve to occupy it.

But then some days, the good days, I feel strong

Invincible

Like I am a force to be reckoned with

Because there is no space big enough to contain me.

Those are the days when the sun is shining (Even if it doesn’t feel true)

And the good days, they almost make up for the bad ones.

They almost make up for the days when I don’t have the energy to leave my bed,

Or have to cancel long-awaited plans and bail on my friends.

The good days almost make up for the bad days (I have to believe that)

Because the good days are

When I am truly happy (I am enough).

Depression

It is a monster I cannot fight.

Something that hides and skulks, and bides its time.

It is an impenetrable darkness.

The kind of darkness that frightens and destroys.

It is a dragon I cannot tame.

Rather it is something out of nightmares, too big to contain, even to fully understand its power.

It is the inevitable.

Something I cannot avoid, that hovers, watching, waiting for me to slip up.

Some days it is the monster. I can get out of bed, I can function, I am doing great. But then, at the end of the day, it shows up to remind me I am still alone.

Some days it is the darkness. I am too afraid to speak, to leave my house. Too afraid to ask for help. Even though I know I need help to fight my way out of the darkness.

Some days it is the dragon. I cannot grasp why everything feels wrong, but it does. No matter what I do or say, I am physically weak and mentally incapable of functioning.

On the worst days, it is inevitable.

And some days, it is everything; the monster, the darkness, the dragon, and the inevitable. And I cannot get out of bed. All I can do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep, where even my nightmares will be too tired of fighting to haunt me.

Words Hurt

Words hurt. That’s the title of my blog this time around. It’s something we don’t think about, and it’s something that affects everyone. Words are what make the world go round. We say stupid things when our emotions run high. We say stupid things to stupid people because we are stupid people. We don’t think about the things we say before we say them. And I am just as guilty of this as anyone else. Words hurt, and sometimes we don’t realize how much.

I’ve seen a lot of friendships break because of something that someone said during a stupid fight. When you make friends, you learn what they like, what they dislike, and how they think. You learn the best way to push their buttons, without even meaning to. And then when you end up in a fight, you use those things against them, most likely without even trying. Friends learn the best way to push each other’s buttons, and friends are the people who generally won’t push them. Or if they do, they know when to stop.

I’ve had a lot of friendships of my own have rough patches. No one is perfect. I’ve made friends, and I’ve lost friends. The best friendships that I have made have been through a lot of fights and rough patches. But I’ve fought to keep those friendships, and I know my friends have, too. Those friendships are stronger because of this, and I wouldn’t still have them in my life if it wasn’t a two-way street.

Yeah, we all make mistakes. And if there is one thing that I try to do, it’s to own up to mine.  So, I’m here to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone that I’ve ever said anything stupid to. I’m sure there are a lot of you. I’m sorry if I said something stupid intentionally. I’m sorry if I ever said anything that was extremely hurtful unintentionally. I’m sorry if I have ever done anything to make you feel less than human. I know I’ve screwed up, and I want to apologize. I just hope that’s a step in the right direction.

What to Do During Spring Break When You're Spending it By Yourself (Or, Spring Break Shenanigans)

So, through no fault of your own, (or anyone else's, really) you seem to have found yourself spending spring break alone. Now, eight days is a long time to spend with almost no human contact, or at least no face-to-face interaction. Just for kicks, I decided to create a list of things to do when this situation arises, in no particular order.

1. Order Jimmy John's. You'll get about 1 and a half minutes of human interaction.
2. Go for a walk--if it's nice outside. Extra points if you get a sunburn, double points if you get a sunburn in under an hour, and triple points if you manage to get a sunburn when it's only 40 degrees outside.
3. Teach yourself how to do basic yoga.
4. Read three books in one day (OK, technically it was three books in about 5 hours).
5. Watch The Lord of the Rings with cast commentary (seriously, you'll have plenty of time). 3 and a half hours per movie, extended edition.
6. Get yourself all dolled up for no reason--it's really relaxing.
7. Do about four loads of laundry. That'll take a good two hours, only because you get all the washing machines to yourself.
8. Write. Rewrite. Write for poetry class, write for fun, whatever.
9. Go on Facebook to see what your friends are busy doing, like a few pictures, and get bored after five minutes. Repeat as desired.
10. Watch a bunch of movies with no common thread; Ever After does not have to have a logical connection to A Knight's Tale, and the same goes for Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and Frozen.
11. Despite Netflix's recommendations, avoid watching Twilight at all costs.
12. Start three different TV shows from the beginning, with no consistent continuation: Parks and Rec, How I Met Your Mother, and Friends.
13. Remember just how grateful that you have your friend's Netflix and your other friend's Hulu. Yay for friends! =)
14. Make scrambled eggs. No, they are not the only kind of eggs you know how to make, they're just your favorite kind of eggs to make.
15. Clean your room. Clean your bathroom. Clean your room two days later, just because you can.
16. Remember that you forget to fold your four loads of laundry. Fold them.
17. Get really excited about watching a certain movie, and then realize you don't actually own that movie.
18. Scour your room that you've just cleaned for your missing beanie.
19. Scour your room for stuff to use after you have a sunburn.
20. Get really excited about the fact that your new (newish) laptop has Beats audio, and admire the sound quality.
21. Get really annoyed that the book Gone Girl does not have pages conducive to making notes.
22. Belt Taylor Swift's Blank Space at the top of your lungs, despite the fact that you have a non-existent list of ex-lovers. No one's around, anyway.