Poems and Stuff...

I thought I'd try something new out. As it has been a very long time since I posted a thing. Clearly. But I am actually writing all the time, and I've been writing a lot of poetry, among other things. So I'm going to try posting some of my poems now and then. Some of them will be new, some old, and I may or may not throw out when I wrote them as well. It will be lots of varying subject matter, and I am definitely open to feedback, by which I mean constructive criticism. Feel free to tell me what you liked and what you didn't, but please do so in a manner that gives me suggestions on how to fix things or why they didn't work. (If you tell me you don't like an entire poem, that isn't going to be constructive, or helpful.) But I do love helpful feedback! Anyway, poems. Yay. Testing, 1, 2, 3. Today's post will include two poems for perusing, one that I wrote a couple months ago and one I wrote last year, in no particular order. Comments and feedback much appreciated.



 (Untitled)

Some days, the bad days, I feel weak

Insignificant

Like there is too much of me to contain in such a small space

Because, of course, I do not deserve to occupy it.

But then some days, the good days, I feel strong

Invincible

Like I am a force to be reckoned with

Because there is no space big enough to contain me.

Those are the days when the sun is shining (Even if it doesn’t feel true)

And the good days, they almost make up for the bad ones.

They almost make up for the days when I don’t have the energy to leave my bed,

Or have to cancel long-awaited plans and bail on my friends.

The good days almost make up for the bad days (I have to believe that)

Because the good days are

When I am truly happy (I am enough).

Depression

It is a monster I cannot fight.

Something that hides and skulks, and bides its time.

It is an impenetrable darkness.

The kind of darkness that frightens and destroys.

It is a dragon I cannot tame.

Rather it is something out of nightmares, too big to contain, even to fully understand its power.

It is the inevitable.

Something I cannot avoid, that hovers, watching, waiting for me to slip up.

Some days it is the monster. I can get out of bed, I can function, I am doing great. But then, at the end of the day, it shows up to remind me I am still alone.

Some days it is the darkness. I am too afraid to speak, to leave my house. Too afraid to ask for help. Even though I know I need help to fight my way out of the darkness.

Some days it is the dragon. I cannot grasp why everything feels wrong, but it does. No matter what I do or say, I am physically weak and mentally incapable of functioning.

On the worst days, it is inevitable.

And some days, it is everything; the monster, the darkness, the dragon, and the inevitable. And I cannot get out of bed. All I can do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep, where even my nightmares will be too tired of fighting to haunt me.

Words Hurt

Words hurt. That’s the title of my blog this time around. It’s something we don’t think about, and it’s something that affects everyone. Words are what make the world go round. We say stupid things when our emotions run high. We say stupid things to stupid people because we are stupid people. We don’t think about the things we say before we say them. And I am just as guilty of this as anyone else. Words hurt, and sometimes we don’t realize how much.

I’ve seen a lot of friendships break because of something that someone said during a stupid fight. When you make friends, you learn what they like, what they dislike, and how they think. You learn the best way to push their buttons, without even meaning to. And then when you end up in a fight, you use those things against them, most likely without even trying. Friends learn the best way to push each other’s buttons, and friends are the people who generally won’t push them. Or if they do, they know when to stop.

I’ve had a lot of friendships of my own have rough patches. No one is perfect. I’ve made friends, and I’ve lost friends. The best friendships that I have made have been through a lot of fights and rough patches. But I’ve fought to keep those friendships, and I know my friends have, too. Those friendships are stronger because of this, and I wouldn’t still have them in my life if it wasn’t a two-way street.

Yeah, we all make mistakes. And if there is one thing that I try to do, it’s to own up to mine.  So, I’m here to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone that I’ve ever said anything stupid to. I’m sure there are a lot of you. I’m sorry if I said something stupid intentionally. I’m sorry if I ever said anything that was extremely hurtful unintentionally. I’m sorry if I have ever done anything to make you feel less than human. I know I’ve screwed up, and I want to apologize. I just hope that’s a step in the right direction.

What to Do During Spring Break When You're Spending it By Yourself (Or, Spring Break Shenanigans)

So, through no fault of your own, (or anyone else's, really) you seem to have found yourself spending spring break alone. Now, eight days is a long time to spend with almost no human contact, or at least no face-to-face interaction. Just for kicks, I decided to create a list of things to do when this situation arises, in no particular order.

1. Order Jimmy John's. You'll get about 1 and a half minutes of human interaction.
2. Go for a walk--if it's nice outside. Extra points if you get a sunburn, double points if you get a sunburn in under an hour, and triple points if you manage to get a sunburn when it's only 40 degrees outside.
3. Teach yourself how to do basic yoga.
4. Read three books in one day (OK, technically it was three books in about 5 hours).
5. Watch The Lord of the Rings with cast commentary (seriously, you'll have plenty of time). 3 and a half hours per movie, extended edition.
6. Get yourself all dolled up for no reason--it's really relaxing.
7. Do about four loads of laundry. That'll take a good two hours, only because you get all the washing machines to yourself.
8. Write. Rewrite. Write for poetry class, write for fun, whatever.
9. Go on Facebook to see what your friends are busy doing, like a few pictures, and get bored after five minutes. Repeat as desired.
10. Watch a bunch of movies with no common thread; Ever After does not have to have a logical connection to A Knight's Tale, and the same goes for Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and Frozen.
11. Despite Netflix's recommendations, avoid watching Twilight at all costs.
12. Start three different TV shows from the beginning, with no consistent continuation: Parks and Rec, How I Met Your Mother, and Friends.
13. Remember just how grateful that you have your friend's Netflix and your other friend's Hulu. Yay for friends! =)
14. Make scrambled eggs. No, they are not the only kind of eggs you know how to make, they're just your favorite kind of eggs to make.
15. Clean your room. Clean your bathroom. Clean your room two days later, just because you can.
16. Remember that you forget to fold your four loads of laundry. Fold them.
17. Get really excited about watching a certain movie, and then realize you don't actually own that movie.
18. Scour your room that you've just cleaned for your missing beanie.
19. Scour your room for stuff to use after you have a sunburn.
20. Get really excited about the fact that your new (newish) laptop has Beats audio, and admire the sound quality.
21. Get really annoyed that the book Gone Girl does not have pages conducive to making notes.
22. Belt Taylor Swift's Blank Space at the top of your lungs, despite the fact that you have a non-existent list of ex-lovers. No one's around, anyway.

Aspiring in Life and What You Can and Cannot Do

I've been thinking a lot about things people tell you that you can or cannot do. Sometimes people shoot your dreams down, sometimes it's something little, or sometimes it feels like your whole world.

You're not supposed to be a know-it-all. When you're in elementary and middle school, it makes everyone pretty much hate you. When you're in high school, it means you're a teacher's pet or you're trying too hard. However, when you get to college people tend to envy you or look up to you. You actually know what you're talking about and you're blessed with knowing or having that confidence.

You have to be pretty. As females, we learn at a young age that make up is important and you shouldn't go without it. In middle school, it seems to be a fad to wear a lot of it. In high school, it's a necessity that can make or break you. You can't be too big, because then you're fat. You can't be too small, because then you're anorexic. I don't know if you've looked around recently, but people come in all different shapes and sizes. I can honestly say that I do not know one female in my life that has or does not complain about the way she looks. I can also say that I do not know one male that complains about the way he looks (unless it's about his hair after wearing a hat all day).
That's not to say that men don't care or don't get upset about the way they look; men don't generally vocalize it, women do.

People have all different sorts of lifestyles; sports are one of those things. Different sports tend to give you a different build. Football players and basketball players don't generally look the same; swimmers and softball players don't generally look the same.

Your dreams have to be realistic. We see movie stars and musicians in the media all the time. People tend to care more about that than what's going on around the world. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't know if you've ever watched the news, but almost every single story is something depressing. People have enough pain in their everyday life that it's nice to escape and worry about who's breaking up with who, or who just landed a new movie.

A lot of these stars are actually doing good in the world. Ian Somerhalder has his own foundation that works on different projects with people to help benefit everyone and everything. He also recently joined UNEP, which is a United Nations environmental group. Taylor Swift has donated a lot of money to different places, including things like helping teens who have cancer, and visiting a lot of different hospitals. Zach Galifianakis helps take care of an older lady that he's really good friends with, and he has recently started trying to raise money in order to fund a documentary about her life.

I know this is a bit of a tangent, but stay with me. What are all these stars known for? Ian Somerhalder is recognized more for The Vampire Diaries or people concerned with how attractive he is. People constantly complain about Taylor Swift and whoever she's currently dating and how she's "always" dating someone, (as a side note, she's been single for over a year and a half) and Zach Galifianakis is mostly known for being a comedian.

When you mention to someone how you would love to be in the entertainment industry, people always mention how hard it is to make it. However, it generally isn't the realistic type of advice. It's usually something along the lines of "You can't be a movie star because you're not good enough." "No one makes it into the music industry so you can't do it." This brings me back to my main point. People constantly tell you that you aren't good enough, for whatever reason they have in their head. The only time you are good enough is for something that someone else wants you to do. You're supposed to work hard, go to college, and get a job. You're supposed to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life at, roughly, 18 years old. This is also the time you are considered an adult. Except there are still plenty of things that you can't do until you're 21. So you aren't technically an adult until you're 21, but you're still supposed to make a decision for the rest of your life at some point in those four years, and acquire a lot of college debt while you do so. So if you change your mind, you're probably going to be out of luck.

I have a lot of friends who are music majors, theater majors, or art majors. A lot of them have mentioned that they've been told multiple times that they shouldn't have gone into their major, for whatever reason. As an English major, I've been told how hard it is to be a writer. Being a writer isn't even my main reason for being an English major. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard one of those writer jokes. "What's the difference between a park bench and a writer? A park bench can support a family." I've also heard this joke told with pizza and feed. I originally wanted to go into something that could get me a career as a detective, or something in law enforcement. I was told that it was unsafe and unrealistic.

Sometimes you have to do things for you. It's not bad to hold on to your dreams, whether you wanted to be a firefighter, an astronaut, an actor, a musician, or a veterinarian, or maybe a chef. It can be really hard to hold on to your dreams, especially when people tell you that you can't do it. I was also told as a kid that you can do anything you can put your mind to, but that seems to be something that is harder to keep in mind. It takes about 5 positive comments to outweigh one negative comment.

One of my friends in college (a fellow English major) is absolutely brilliant. She knows about stuff that I can only dream about knowing. I also know that she has problems just like everyone else. Just because you know a lot doesn't mean your life is magically easy. But I also know that she doesn't let what anyone says get her down. She does what she does for herself, and she doesn't care what anyone says about her. That's one of the things I admire most about her.

Sometimes it's just about surrounding yourself with people who believe in you, but more than that, you have to be able to believe in yourself. It isn't easy, but you have to start somewhere. You don't need to change yourself for someone else, you need to do it for you. It can start with getting rid of the negativity around you, but more than that, you have to get rid of the negativity in yourself.

On Moving On

So, I got back from college about two weeks ago and I've been working on unpacking (I know, I know. Two weeks and I haven't unpacked yet? I'm a horrible person). Anyway, the reason why I haven't finished unpacking yet will be covered in this post. My problem is that I have to go through all my stuff that I left here; some of it necessary, like clothes, and some of it unnecessary, like junk, or, as I like to call it, memories. Now, all I really want to do is throw away all my old stuff without going through it or thinking about it. I have no desire to keep any of it. The only things I have that I really want to keep are my books, (of course!) music, and clothes. I don't want all the stuff that I will never, ever use again. I am having a very hard time actually working through this because I know that as soon as I get rid of everything (literally, everything) or at least as much as I possibly can my room will be empty. I don't want it to be empty, but I don't want all the crap I have. This is a very unfortunate predicament. I don't want most of the stuff I have, but it feels like such a waste to throw it all out. I don't plan on using it ever again, but most of it is stuff that I rarely used, and as such is in excellent condition. Basically, I have too many problems with guilt to just throw it all away without having any conscience problems. Also, I don't really want my room to be empty.

I think the biggest thing is that I've moved on. I don't want to get rid of all the memories, but I don't want to keep them, either. Everything has something tied to it. However, all I really need is to get rid of everything, and I probably will feel a lot better after I do. Anyway, I'm sitting on my bedroom floor since my bed is covered with clothes, and my foot seems to have fallen asleep, so I'm just going to wrap things up. When I next post my room should be completely clean and not-too-empty. You can only hope, right? =P

On Doing Your Best and Other Extreme Thoughts

I'm currently swimming at Conference, which is basically the biggest swim meet of the year. I just finished my first individual race. Now normally, my mottos are "Do your best" and "Take everything one day at a time." I have been incredibly excited for this meet for a long time, but when I finally got in the water, I choked. OK, I didn't actually choke, per-se, but about halfway through my race I let myself get in my own head. I never have the problem of letting other people get in my head. I suppose that sounds a bit strange, but it's true. Nothing anyone else says or does can affect my swimming. Out of all the events I have swum in the last few months, I can honestly say that this time I did not do my best. This wasn't on purpose, but subconsciously that was what happened. Sure, I dropped time, and that's great. Whatever. But I did not do my best and that makes me upset with myself. I have other chances to swim this race again and do better, but I should have been able to do my best the first time. Sometimes your best doesn't feel like it's good enough, but if it's truly your best, it should be.

After I finished, I started to think. I kept trying to apply mottos or catchphrases I had heard before to what happened and how I felt about it, just to shake the whole thing off. Then I realized something: I shouldn't be applying something else to my situation, I should come up with something on my own. After all, my problem isn't external, it's internal.

I also have a problem with low self-esteem. I was trying to figure out the reason for this, especially when it comes to swimming. There are two different reasons for this: one for swimming, and a normal one. The swimming one is easier to admit: I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what my body can do and what that means for me. Don't ask me why: my subconscious is stupid (see prior post) and I haven't been able to figure that answer out yet. The other reason is something that I haven't entirely figured out yet, either. At first I thought it was just because I feel inadequate to other people, but I realized that's not it. Sure, that's what I tell myself, but that is definitely not the reason. Until I finished typing this, I didn't actually know the reason, but it's also fear.  I don't have a fear of anything tangible, like spiders or snakes. They don't bother me. I don't have a fear of heights, or public speaking, or even dying. I have always thought my biggest fear was that at some point in my life I won't have any friends, but that's not it, either. I thought it was that I'm afraid to be myself, but that's only part of it. I honestly don't know what it is, butI have time to figure it out. I really do hate my subconscious right now, though.

I want to leave off with this: you can do more than you think you can. Don't let anyone else define your life and what you can and can't do.

Life Lessons

I had a really good friend who taught me a lot of things about myself. Unfortunately, I probably won't get to see them again. I also may have screwed things up, which, if I did, I'm sorry. I wrote this paper for one of my classes and I'm really proud of it. It's not that fantastically written, but it's me. It was really hard to write, but I'm glad I did. These are some of the things my friend taught me, although the words are entirely my own.

 

Sometimes you need people. Sometimes they need you. Sometimes you’re right. Sometimes things are harder than they should be, and sometimes you really shouldn’t panic. Things aren’t always easy, but if they were, life would be boring. Sometimes you can make it through, even when you think you can’t. It’s good to let people in, no matter how much it hurts. Even if they’re leaving, it can be worth it to let them in. You shouldn’t disconnect from people when it’s time for them to actually leave. Advil just masks the pain; it doesn’t actually fix the problem. Sometimes people do actually care about you. It only takes a few seconds of courage to accomplish something that isn’t easy to do. Don’t ever give up on something you can’t go a day without thinking about.

This sort of sounds like a bunch of random things all jumbled together, but it’s not. This is what I’ve been going through this semester. Everything ties in, and the order is pretty accurate. It’s hard to write all of this, which is why there are no personal adjectives. It’s easier to write this way. This is a good way to get thoughts out on paper—especially the thoughts you don’t want to think about.

Sometimes it’s important to tell someone how you feel about them, even if they are leaving. It takes a lot of courage to tell them. It involves them, and maybe they have something to say that you need to hear. Maybe it will just help bring closure. Maybe it won’t do anything at all, but at least you were honest. Maybe what you said was something they needed to hear.

            Never give up. No matter how hard something is, hope will always whisper encouragement. After all, things can only get better. And hope is very stubborn. People disconnect for the same reason they put up walls. Sometimes it’s important to see who cares enough to break them down. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Sometimes it’s OK to be sad. Sadness isn’t weakness. Sometimes it’s just a different sort of strength. Sometimes you are the only thing holding you back. Fear is OK, but it’s not the problem. Your subconscious can be a pain in the butt. Sometimes your greatest dream isn’t all that unrealistic; you’re just waiting for someone to tell you that you can do it. But if you wait for that person, then you’re going to want to put your trust in that person. It’s not a good thing, because people will always fail you, even if they don’t mean to.

Sometimes people come in to your life at the right time; the time when you need them the most. Sometimes you learn a lot from them, and sometimes they help you learn more about yourself. Sometimes you just need to be a little bit more confident. Believing in yourself is important. Sometimes those people help you realize that you’re stronger than you think you are. It’s like that quote from Winnie the Pooh: “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Sometimes it’s OK to let go even if it seems impossible. Nothing is impossible. Sometimes your greatest weakness is your greatest strength. Sometimes the hard thing to do is the right thing to do. Sometimes you have to make your own decisions. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, and sometimes that earns you more respect. Sometimes the littlest things can make the biggest difference. Sometimes you don’t know the effect you have on people. Sometimes words are useless, and you just need to act. Sometimes logic won’t help you at all. Sometimes the hardest things to remember or relive are the things you need to tell someone. Sometimes you have to realize it’s not your fault. Sometimes you need to just say what you mean—you don’t always need to have an explanation. Sometimes you shouldn’t justify yourself to other people—if they don’t like it, that’s their problem. You wouldn’t be who you are without every experience in your life. Sometimes people will take advantage of you. Sometimes you need to stop them. Sometimes being nice is the worst thing you can do.

Sometimes things aren’t easy. Sometimes people can help. Sometimes you just need to man up and take care of yourself. Sometimes explanations don’t help, they just make things worse. Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself, and sometimes you are the only thing holding you back. Sometimes strength shows up when you least expect it. Sometimes life is unexpected. Sometimes you need to just be yourself. If people don’t like that, they can get over it. Sometimes you need to ask for help. Sometimes you don’t need to help people. After all, it’s OK to say no. Sometimes letting people in is the best thing you can do for yourself. No one should have to be an island. Sometimes you learn more about yourself through writing a paper and you realize you didn’t know anything for the last 19 years of your life.

Sometimes there are no words to express the gratitude you have for a person.